How I put my mask on first - a burnout survival book

A burnout survival guide for public sector altruists

Introduction

I have worked in a variety of sectors and settings for nearly 40 years and, on reflection, can see a common thread running through those that felt most congruent – public service. The need in me to give, be useful and help others has always been there. This book is based on my personal and witnessed experiences, reading and self-revelations, and a proposition that people working in public service are more prone to Burnout than other sectors. 

I reveal my personal experience of disability, trauma, career and relationship challenges, PTSD, suicidal ideation and burnout. And how these “falls” have allowed me to ascend new heights. I reflect on how I acknowledged and worked on myself to meet these identified deficiencies and imbalances, and break recurring negative event cycles. 

I’m sharing my thoughts as to the possible underlying causes of “giving until we give out” and I ask you to honestly reflect upon and assess these causes and their impact on you, if any. I will also reveal what I have learned through reading, therapy, counselling and coaching. I am not proud of many of my responses and reactions to these challenges over the years and I have had to swallow some bitter pills in the process or “falling upwards” (Richard Rohr), but I absolutely believe these unique experiences shape and improve us. My stories are simple examples of how we might develop a need to give too much, including our evolution (genetics), environments (nature), and relationships (nurture). I hope they prompt some self-reflection in you and ultimately help you to grow and restore a healthy life balance, as I have done.

The Selfish Spectrum – how we get to Burnout

What draws people to public service? It isn’t the salaries or “hygiene factors” like working hours and other “benefits” that employers like to sell. I believe it is purpose and values alignment and fulfilment of the need to help or be of value and service to others. 

I am interested in what might motivate people to enter public service, having done some reflection of my own. Are they intrinsically less selfish than others? Is their need to be unselfish serving them badly or going too far? 

I think our beliefs about “selfishness” are to some extent at the root of our need to reaffirm we are not, and what drive us to be, and be seen as, unselfish. Having reflected on this myself, looked back at how it was instilled in us as children and how each of my siblings has developed so differently, I’m sure family dynamics, sibling roles and positioning all have a part to play on where we might settle on the “Selfish Spectrum”, rather than the commonly held belief that it is binary and people are either selfish or not. 

I believe we do not reside at a set point on the scale and our position changes over time and life experiences (like having children) – but we do have a median and ideally, we need to aim for that to be in the sweet spot (Selfish Altruists) illustrated below. As resilient beings we of course have tolerance thresholds that we can cope with as long as time spent in them is not sustained or amounts to the point that our median shifts. 

I believe that most public sector workers are less selfish beings at their core and that makes us more prone to Burnout by spending more time than we perhaps should in the right had side of the spectrum. It is gradual too – most people would not consciously get to the point of self-sacrifice but its rather like the boiling frog analogy, incremental to the point we don’t notice until it’s too late! The Selfish Spectrum

The Eight Underlying Causes of Burnout

If like me you have been raised to be considerate of others, to imagine what their needs might be, or how they might feel as a result of your actions, you may have developed the habit of putting these before your own personal desires and needs. Putting yourself second is admirable of course and is often required, especially where dependents are concerned, but this book considers the consequences of repeatedly taking this position and the importance of frequent and regular “first place” experiences to keep you from entering the Martyrdom extremity of the Selfish Spectrum. 

This section considers 8 causes of giving too much and therefore what might be at the root of your burnout. You can use this as a self-assessment if you wish – see the Exercise box below:

Exercise:

Read each cause and note your level of response or reaction to each item. It is not important whether you agree it applies to you or not or what the reaction is exactly, just notice the level of response and score it as follows: 

No reaction (just words) = 1

Some reaction (might agree with some aspects) = 2

Definite reaction (might feel defensive or strong agreement) = 3

Make a note of the number against each item and then highlight any marked 3

1. Need for validation: Some individuals give too much because they seek validation and approval from others. They believe that by constantly giving and helping, they will be seen as valuable and worthy of love and acceptance.

2. Fear of rejection: The fear of being rejected or abandoned can drive people to give too much. They may believe that by meeting the needs of others, they can secure their place in relationships and avoid being rejected or abandoned.

3. Difficulty setting boundaries: Some individuals struggle with setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. They may have a strong desire to please others and avoid conflict, leading them to consistently give in to the requests and demands of others, even at their own expense.

4. Low self-worth: People with low self-worth may believe that their value lies in what they can do for others. They may feel a constant need to prove themselves and gain validation by giving excessively.

5. Overdeveloped sense of responsibility: Some individuals have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and feel a strong obligation to take care of others. They may believe that they are solely responsible for the happiness and well-being of those around them, leading them to give more than necessary.
6. Cultural and societal expectations: Cultural and societal norms can play a role in encouraging people to give too much. Some cultures and religions emphasise selflessness and sacrifice, leading individuals to too often prioritise the needs of others over their own.

7. Guilt and shame: Feelings of guilt and shame can drive people to give excessively. They may feel guilty if they say no or prioritise their own needs, resulting in a pattern of over giving to alleviate these negative emotions.

8. Difficulty receiving: Some individuals find it challenging to receive help or support from others. To compensate for this discomfort, they may give excessively as a way to maintain a sense of control and avoid relying on others.

It's important to note that while giving can be a positive and generous trait, it becomes problematic when it is done at the expense of one's own well-being and when it is driven by unhealthy motivations. Finding a balance between giving and taking care of oneself is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships and overall well-being and remaining a healthy selfish altruist.

My self-assessment

I identified three root causes of my burn out:

• Low Self Worth
• Need for Validation
• Difficulty Receiving

I then challenged myself to consider where these root causes might have come from. Below I share my thinking and provide top tips for addressing these three root causes.

My low self-worth

This was a shock to me. I am a confident, extrovert, proud, apparently strong woman (a description levied at me since childhood and into the workplace), how could I possibly have low self-worth? Even now I notice my reaction to this suggestion is still quite defiant, indicative of needing to do more work!

This had come up before though and was revealed to while undergoing EMDR therapy for PTSD as a result of being trapped in an upturned car and believing I was going to be burnt alive. EMDR uncovered a deeply held belief that “I am insignificant, alone and not worth helping or saving”.

It also took be back to my earliest memory: being gassed, fighting to breath, as air was forced into my airways as a general anaesthetic for surgery (I was 2 years old). It felt like I was being suffocated while my mother looked on and did nothing (2-year-old me).

I did of course wake up and faced several years physically disabled to varying degrees: in traction, callipers, plaster casts (from armpits to toes) and in my wheelchair called “Brum” that dad built – with syrup tins as headlights and personalised number and L plates!

To compound this belief that I am unworthy, when I was 11 years old, I was a passenger in a mini that was hit by a minibus. I was in the back with my school friend whose mother was driving and whose seat had collapsed on my friend’s lap. The mother was delirious but there was no blood, my friend was unhurt, as was I, until I realised that the warm trickle down the back of my neck was blood, and I had a hole in my head. I remember the teenagers from the minibus casually walking past the car that I was trapped in, just staring at me as I started to scream for help to get out, but people just continued to walk past the window, staring, like ghosts. I remember my friend telling me to “shut up”– again my need for help being ignored.

I share this because it’s important to understand where these self-limiting beliefs come from so we can acknowledge them, not blame ourselves or others (accept them) and take steps to address them. Here are some top tips for correcting low self-worth.

Ten top tips for improving Self Worth

Improving self-worth is a journey that requires self-reflection, self-compassion, and intentional actions. Here are some tips to help you improve your self-worth:

1. Challenge negative self-talk: Pay attention to your inner dialogue and challenge any negative thoughts or self-critical beliefs. Replace them with positive and affirming statements about yourself. Practice self-compassion and speak to yourself as you would to a supportive friend.

2. Identify and celebrate your strengths: Take the time to identify your unique strengths, talents, and qualities. Focus on what you excel at and what makes you special. Celebrate your achievements and acknowledge your capabilities.

3. Set realistic and achievable goals: Set realistic goals that align with your values and interests. Break them down into smaller, manageable steps, and celebrate your progress along the way. Achieving your goals boosts your confidence and reinforces your sense of self-worth.

4. Practice self-care: Prioritise self-care activities that nurture your physical, mental, and emotional well-being. This can include activities such as exercise, getting enough sleep, eating nourishing foods, engaging in hobbies, and practicing relaxation techniques. Taking care of yourself sends a message that you value and respect yourself.
5. Surround yourself with positive influences: Surround yourself with supportive and positive people who uplift and encourage you. Distance yourself from toxic relationships or environments that undermine your self-worth. Seek out relationships and communities that appreciate and value you for who you are.

6. Practice self-acceptance: Accept yourself unconditionally, embracing both your strengths and imperfections. Recognize that everyone has flaws and that they do not define your worth as a person. Embrace self-acceptance and focus on personal growth and self-improvement instead of striving for perfection.

7. Practice gratitude: Cultivate a practice of gratitude by regularly acknowledging and appreciating the positive aspects of your life. This can help shift your focus from self-criticism to self-appreciation. Write down or verbalize things you are grateful for each day to reinforce a positive mindset.

8. Engage in positive self-talk: Use positive affirmations and self-talk to reinforce your self-worth. Repeat affirmations such as "I am worthy," "I am deserving of love and respect," or "I am enough" to counteract negative self-perceptions. Repeat these affirmations regularly and believe in their truth.

9. Seek support when needed: If you are struggling with improving your self-worth, consider seeking support from a therapist, counsellor, or support group. They can provide guidance, tools, and a safe space to explore and heal any underlying issues that may be impacting your self-worth.
10. Practice self-compassion: Be kind and compassionate towards yourself, especially during difficult times or when you make mistakes. Treat yourself with the same level of kindness, understanding, and forgiveness that you would extend to a loved one. Remember that you are human and deserving of compassion.

Improving self-worth takes time and effort, so be patient and gentle with yourself. Embrace your inherent worth and believe that you are deserving of love, respect, and happiness

My need for validation

I believe my early childhood and growing up in a large, competitive family, each with strong identities (assigned by parents) created a need in me for validation. My siblings all had labels and interesting ones at that! I on the other had was “strong” and practical, capable but with no clear talent. I always felt in the shadow of my brilliant older siblings. Here are some top tips for addressing a self-limiting need for validation.

Top tips for negating the need for validation

Achieving self-validation is an important aspect of building self-worth and cultivating a healthy self-image. Here are some tips to help you on your journey towards self-validation:

1. Practice self-awareness: Start by becoming aware of your thoughts, emotions, and actions. Pay attention to the way you talk to yourself and notice any negative self-talk or self-critical thoughts. Being aware of these patterns is the first step towards challenging and changing them.

2. Challenge negative beliefs: Identify and challenge any negative beliefs you may hold about yourself. Ask yourself if there is evidence to support these beliefs or if they are based on assumptions or past experiences. Replace negative beliefs with positive and empowering affirmations.

3. Set realistic expectations: Set realistic expectations for yourself and acknowledge that you are human. Understand that making mistakes and experiencing setbacks is a normal part of life. Instead of striving for perfection, focus on personal growth and progress.

4. Celebrate your achievements: Take the time to acknowledge and celebrate your achievements, no matter how big or small they may be. Recognize your efforts and give yourself credit for the progress you have made. This will help boost your self-confidence and reinforce a sense of self-validation.

5. Practice self-compassion: Treat yourself with kindness, compassion, and understanding. Be gentle with yourself when you make mistakes or face challenges. Offer yourself the same level of compassion and support that you would offer to a loved one.

6. Trust your intuition: Learn to trust your gut instincts and listen to your inner voice. Your intuition can guide you in making decisions that align with your values and desires. Trusting yourself and your instincts is a powerful form of self-validation.

7. Surround yourself with positive influences: Surround yourself with people who support and uplift you. Seek out relationships and friendships that are based on mutual respect, understanding, and validation. Limit your exposure to negative and toxic influences that undermine your self-worth.

8. Practice self-care: Prioritise self-care activities that nourish and replenish your physical, mental, and emotional well-being. Engage in activities that bring you joy, relaxation, and fulfilment. Taking care of yourself sends a message of self-validation and self-worth.

9. Focus on personal growth: Set goals and engage in activities that support your personal growth and development. When you invest in your own growth, you demonstrate a belief in your abilities and potential, which contributes to self-validation.

10. Seek support when needed: If you find it challenging to validate yourself, consider seeking support from a trusted friend, family member, or mental health professional. They can provide guidance, perspective, and tools to help you on your journey towards self-validation.

Remember, self-validation is an ongoing process, and it may take time and practice. Be patient with yourself and celebrate each step forward. Embrace your worth and recognise that you are deserving of self-validation and self-acceptance.

My difficulty receiving

I believe at the root of this deficiency is my over developed need for independence as a result of being so dependent in my early years, a need to prove myself, and a fear of being let down by others if I am too dependant. I would much rather give than receive and have had to work on accepting help, gifts and even compliments from others by following these tips.

Top ten tips for improving your ability to receive

Receiving is an important aspect of interpersonal relationships and personal growth. Here are some tips for improving your ability to receive:

1. Practice openness: Be open to receiving from others. Sometimes, we may inadvertently block ourselves from receiving by having a closed mindset or being resistant to help or support. Cultivate an attitude of openness and willingness to accept what others have to offer.

2. Let go of control: Allow yourself to let go of the need to control every aspect of your life. Recognize that it is okay to rely on others or accept their assistance. Surrendering control can create space for receiving and can lead to new opportunities and growth.

3. Embrace vulnerability: Understand that receiving often requires vulnerability. It means acknowledging that you have needs, and it requires trusting others to fulfill those needs. Embrace vulnerability as a strength and a necessary part of building meaningful connections with others.

4. Practice gratitude: Develop a practice of gratitude to enhance your ability to receive. Expressing gratitude for what you receive, whether it's a kind gesture, a compliment, or a gift, helps you acknowledge and appreciate the generosity of others. This can also create a positive cycle of giving and receiving.

5. Be specific about your needs: Clearly communicate your needs and desires to others. When you are specific about what you need, it becomes easier for others to offer their support or assistance. Don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it.

6. Release guilt or shame: Let go of any feelings of guilt or shame associated with receiving. Recognize that receiving is a natural and necessary part of human interaction. It does not diminish your worth or make you indebted to others. Allow yourself to receive without judgment or negative emotions.

7. Practice self-care: Prioritise self-care and self-compassion. Taking care of yourself and replenishing your own energy reserves allows you to be more open and receptive to what others have to offer. Ensure that you are meeting your own needs before seeking support or assistance from others.

8. Be gracious and say "thank you": When someone offers you help, support, or a compliment, graciously accept it and say "thank you." Show appreciation for their generosity and let them know that their efforts are acknowledged and valued.

9. Reflect on your beliefs about receiving: Take a moment to reflect on any underlying beliefs or attitudes you may have about receiving. Are there any cultural or societal influences that have shaped your views on receiving? Challenge any limiting beliefs or negative associations and replace them with positive and empowering beliefs.

10. Practice reciprocity: Remember that receiving is not a one-way street. Be open to giving and offering support to others when they need it. Cultivate a spirit of reciprocity and create a balance between giving and receiving in your relationships.

By cultivating a mindset of openness, gratitude, and vulnerability, you can enhance your ability to receive and experience deeper connections with others. Embrace the beauty of receiving and allow yourself to be supported, loved, and appreciated

It's time to be selfish

The 3 root causes for me may not be the same as yours of course. I have top tips for all of the causes of burnout and can work with you to explore and deploy these. Do not doubt however that burnout can be beaten and more than that can be used as a means of “falling upwards” (Richard Rohr) or springboard to a new level of living. It is vital that we constantly reflect on our responses to life events and work with others as our mirror to ensure we get the most from these perverse opportunities.

As an experienced public sector professional and burnout survivor I know I can help you bounce back from your burn out. My 4Ps Programme will take you from identifying root causes to habitualising “putting your mask on first.”

Book a FREE discovery call with me today so we can fully explore how I can help you.

Vicky 

Vicky is a Master of Business Administration and has over 40 years experience in senior managerial and executive leadership roles in UK public sector services. She is a mother of two, divorcee of two, former CEO, business owner, corporate employee and an accomplished artist. Having survived and grown through many life challenges, including burnout, Vicky trained as a Life Coach so she could share her experience and learning and coach others to personal freedom. Vicky lives in Norfolk, England with her three Jack Russell Terriers (Basil, Colin and Dudley) and a fabulous support network of friends and family (that she is now able to receive help from!).